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So over the years, I have conspicuously and consistently picked to have men in my life that just weren't appropriate for me.
No, no, no - not another rant about men..... not at all. My old joke about myself, is that I used to pick men like my father, then I chose to date men more like my mother .... and now, well it's hard to tell what I'm doing.
In any event, I am just pondering what drives us to pick what we pick and repeat the process. Some undone business with our past, some twisted perspective to continue working out old relationships or what?
I have come to the conclusion that I'm a heck of a lot more serious about my partner and companionship than I've given myself credit for. Some could say I call it quits too easy, or that I'm a fickle partner, or that I want some fairy tale romance.
I am of the mindset that I have watched people my whole life growing up and staying in miserable marriages, and making the family around them miserable. I have watched from the side lines on numerous occasions that you start out in a relationship with one identity, and then the priorities change, or the criteria changes. When one person is ok with status quo, with no interest in improvements, or in my case I wanted to stop drinking. Or that life has gotten so much shorter, why do battle and have a repeat episode of history.
I did just end a relationship over the past few weeks, the 16th of December actually. I'm ok, not here to bitch or vent. Just pondering a bit. On the one hand I'm proud of myself for not repeating a past mistake --- means that an old dog can learn new tricks. Not that breaking up is a trick! Yet on the other hand I had such incredible high hopes for success.
I've been a little lost in thoughts today, and remembering good things and blocking out the bad stuff. I've sent a few texts messages over the past few days however, making note of a few of the bad things. Not so much in the woman scorned kind of way, but just a woman hurt. A woman hurt who is also trying to not repeat of her own specific mistakes of the past, behaving bitterly at times, and wanting to be really, really mean sometimes.
I am not hear to be dishonest about me, and pump myself up. I can be and have been a mean bitch sometimes. My tongue can slice and dice very quickly. So when hurt and angry (now just imagine intoxicated) I only need take one shot at you to let you know I was only getting started. Sometimes, I would slice quickly, and you would definitely hear more later. Or alternatively, I would dice you very slowly, steady, and with almost no end in sight. It just depended on the infraction.
So the gist is, I was married for 3 years and divorced my husband. Several years later got involved, didn't get married, and had a son. Stayed in that relationship for 9 years, drank, and drank some more, and drank some more. Very volatile relationship, then I wanted to stop drinking and get out of the relationship, status quo wasn't working for me anymore. So I got out first, and then I quit drinking. Now I've just ended my first sober relationship. Weird to type, weird to see but the all the same -- it is what it is.
In fact, the relationship really wasn't that sober. Only one of us was interested in not drinking. I wasn't willing to repeat that path and wait and hope for 9 years that some day soon it will get better. There was such a great deal of dishonesty involved I just couldn't bear it anymore. There was a great deal of dishonesty when I was an active drinker, but both sides usually had something to hide. This is the first time in my life, where I had no secrets, nothing to be embarrassed about or fearful of. In fact, the relationship where I was absolutely honest for the first time.
I learned something valuable and powerful about myself. I do care for myself, and about my family. I know this is usually obvious to everyone else. Having spent my life up and down, drunk and sober it's clear to me that not drinking works much, much better for me. I want to be clear, I am not preaching. I don't go around and assess anyone else as alcoholic or having a problem with drinking. There are people in my life however, where I do keep a watchful eye on because it appears to me that drinking might be interfering with a common interest. My daughter for one, my son's father for two, and my recent boyfriend who was living with us.
All of these people have demonstrated a serious problem with it. I have a common interest at stake with each of them. They directly affect my life, my children's lives, and we their's. So under these circumstances do I get to draw clear boundaries. It works. I know my daughter will probably drink, and she did while back east. The difference is she doesn't have to lie about it, and she doesn't want to. She also isn't making it a way of life. I know Ryan's dad, my son, drinks regularly. I can't control this, I don't try to. I don't judge him for drinking. I will not tolerate drinking and driving. When I know he's going to drink at a family occasion, I ask him not to drive Ryan anywhere. Someone else does it, or I will drop off and or pick up. I only made a production of it one time, and since we've not had to revisit. My recent boyfriend, well he just wasn't done yet as they say. It has hurt my heart a great deal. But he's buried between a world of lies and pain that I'm done with now in my life. He's certainly a charmer, and a true sweethart on some levels. My gosh, I still think about how amazing he would feel about himself if would stay sober and let go of the past. He would be such a dynamo of positive energy. But that's not reality.
As I said at the beginning, just short of a few uneccessary texts on my part, I still have improved dramatically. I am not repeating my bad behavior. I'm not ranting and raving, kicking and yelling and caught in my woe is me universe. I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and recognizing that I'm recognizing the time to let go. Not taking it to a hateful, embittered place. And learning to reflect on the good things about it. Again, this is probably obvious to everyone else. But this is brand new for me. It's the first time I'm employing positive behaviors on my part, and well I haven't exactly got the hang of it yet.
I have a very important goal. Not to carry some old negatives into the new year. Yes maybe a resolution of some sort. But I'm learning that it's progress, not perfection! This will be my life long struggle I am certain. However, the goal to dispense of the old stuff is honorable for everyone who wants to make that change in their life. I encourage it. Regardless of circumstance, we can still make corrective improvements in ourselves during each new beginning.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL. GOOD LUCK ON GETTING RID OF OLD STUFF. ..... I like round number years... here's to progress in 2010!
