Seriously, what was that I was babbling about on January 1, 2010?

Seriously, seriously self indulgent blah, blah blah. 

What of the old stuff will stay or go!

So over the years, I have conspicuously and consistently picked to have men in my life that just weren't appropriate for me.

No, no, no - not another rant about men..... not at all.  My old joke about myself, is that I used to pick men like my father, then I chose to date men more like my mother .... and now, well it's hard to tell what I'm doing.

In any event, I am just pondering what drives us to pick what we pick and repeat the process.  Some undone business with our past, some twisted perspective to continue working out old relationships or what?

I have come to the conclusion that I'm a heck of a lot more serious about my partner and companionship than I've given myself credit for.  Some could say I call it quits too easy, or that I'm a fickle partner, or that I want some fairy tale romance.

I am of the mindset that I have watched people my whole life growing up and staying in miserable marriages, and making the family around them miserable.  I have watched from the side lines on numerous occasions that you start out in a relationship with one identity, and then the priorities change, or the criteria changes.  When one person is ok with status quo, with no interest in improvements, or in my case I wanted to stop drinking.  Or that life has gotten so much shorter, why do battle and have a repeat episode of history.

I did just end a relationship over the past few weeks, the 16th of December actually.  I'm ok, not here to bitch or vent.  Just pondering a bit.  On the one hand I'm proud of myself for not repeating a past mistake --- means that an old dog can learn new tricks.   Not that breaking up is a trick!  Yet on the other hand I had such incredible high hopes for success.

I've been a little lost in thoughts today, and remembering good things and blocking out the bad stuff.  I've sent a few texts messages over the past few days however, making note of a few of the bad things.  Not so much in the woman scorned kind of way, but just a woman hurt.  A woman hurt who is also trying to not repeat of her own specific mistakes of the past, behaving bitterly at times, and wanting to be really, really mean sometimes. 

I am not hear to be dishonest about me, and pump myself up.  I can be and have been a mean bitch sometimes.  My tongue can slice and dice very quickly.  So when hurt and angry (now just imagine intoxicated)  I only need take one shot at you to let you know I was only getting started.  Sometimes, I would slice quickly, and you would definitely hear more later.  Or alternatively, I would dice  you very slowly, steady, and with almost no end in sight.  It just depended on the infraction.

So the gist is, I was married for 3 years and divorced my husband.  Several years later got involved, didn't get married, and had a son.  Stayed in that relationship for 9 years, drank, and drank some more, and drank some more.  Very volatile relationship, then I wanted to stop drinking and get out of the relationship, status quo wasn't working for me anymore.  So I got out first, and then I quit drinking.   Now I've just ended my first sober relationship.  Weird to type, weird to see but the all the same -- it is what it is.

In fact, the relationship really wasn't that sober.  Only one of us was interested in not drinking.  I wasn't willing to repeat that path and wait and hope for 9 years that some day soon it will get better.  There was such a great deal of dishonesty involved I just couldn't bear it anymore.  There was a great deal of dishonesty when I was an active drinker, but both sides usually had something to hide.  This is the first time in my life, where I had no secrets, nothing to be embarrassed about or fearful of.   In fact, the relationship where I was absolutely honest for the first time. 

I learned something valuable and powerful about myself.  I do care for myself, and about my family.  I know this is usually obvious to everyone else.  Having spent my life up and down, drunk and sober it's clear to me that not drinking works much, much better for me.  I want to be clear, I am not preaching.  I don't go around and assess anyone else as alcoholic or having a problem with drinking.  There are people in my life however, where I do keep a watchful eye on because it appears to me that drinking might be interfering with a common interest.  My daughter for one, my son's father for two, and my recent boyfriend who was living with us. 

All of these people have demonstrated a serious problem with it.  I have a common interest at stake with each of them.  They directly affect my life, my children's lives, and we their's.  So under these circumstances do I get to draw clear boundaries.  It works.   I know my daughter will probably drink, and she did while back east.  The difference is she doesn't have to lie about it, and she doesn't want to.  She also isn't making it a way of life.  I know Ryan's dad, my son, drinks regularly.  I can't control this, I don't try to.  I don't judge him for drinking.  I will not tolerate drinking and driving.  When I know he's going to drink at a family occasion, I ask him not to drive Ryan anywhere.  Someone else does it, or I will drop off and or pick up.  I only made a production of it one time, and since we've not had to revisit.  My recent boyfriend, well he just wasn't done yet as they say.  It has hurt my heart a great deal.  But he's buried between a world of lies and pain that I'm done with now in my life.  He's certainly a charmer, and a true sweethart on some levels.  My gosh, I still think about how amazing he would feel about himself if would stay sober and let go of the past.   He would be such a dynamo of positive energy.  But that's not reality.

As I said at the beginning, just short of a few uneccessary texts on my part, I still have improved dramatically.  I am not repeating my bad behavior.  I'm not ranting and raving, kicking and yelling and caught in my woe is me universe.  I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and recognizing that I'm recognizing the time to let go.  Not taking it to a hateful, embittered place.  And learning to reflect on the good things about it.  Again, this is probably obvious to everyone else.  But this is brand new for me.  It's the first time I'm employing positive behaviors on my part, and well I haven't exactly got the hang of it yet. 

I have a very important goal.  Not to carry some old negatives into the new year.  Yes maybe a resolution of some sort.  But I'm learning that it's progress, not perfection!  This will be my life long struggle I am certain.  However, the goal to dispense of the old stuff is honorable for everyone who wants to make that change in their life.  I encourage it.  Regardless of circumstance, we can still make corrective improvements in ourselves during each new beginning. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.  GOOD LUCK ON GETTING RID OF OLD STUFF.  ..... I like round number years...  here's to progress in 2010!

The World of Slow Down and Lighten Up

So, I'm getting some pretty good sleep, not "working" and all.  However, I'm on that last 2 loads of moving boxes from one storage closet to another.I decided to clean out the boxes thoroughly.  Last time I did that I had several loads of trash, and it appears that I get to have a deja vu.

I've been digging through boxes, and eliminating.  OMG how much trash can I transport from one location to another.  It seems so wasteful to throw certain things away.  For instance old VHS movies, and kiddie DVD's, and old games and game systems that will never see the light of day again.

I did throw the old VHS movies away, but couldn't part with the kiddie DVD's and the old game systems.  I don't believe I've ever seen so much debris.  

I'm procrastinating terribly about getting this done.  I do have a deadline for tomorrow to have this project completed.  Tomorrow my daughter returns from the east coast at around 7:00 p.m.  So tonight I must sleep and get up early.  Early this Christmas break is anywhere from 10:30 to 12:30.  Very weird for me. 

But it's so nice to move just a little slower.  And it's great to get rid of old junk I don't need to lug around anymore.   Mmmmm, sounds like a segue tod discuss different types of baggage.  Which is clever being that the new year is going to be here in another 24 hours.  Lightening up the loads in all areas, and trying not to be to OCD about it.

Oh Where Oh Where Did My Body Go?

I am stunned at how every muscle of your body seems to just take a flying dive right towards the center of gravity, right as the whistle blows at 40.  In fact, within 6 weeks of turning 40, having near perfect vision my whole life, I could no longer read a single word in print.

4 years later, I now have to where reading glasses for the computer screen, which has been a big change this past year.  I don't like it.  It's weird!  Literal and obnoxious transformation over night.

Oh and the really keen part is being menopausal at 44.  My mom was under 50 when she started menopause, and well the genes for early menopause and the chemotherapy back at 24, seemed to have helped expedite matters.  So I've been pre-menopause for the past 2 years, sorta knew, but sorta chose not to know it at the same time. 

I'm not really going to write about menopause.  Back to the body deteriorating in general........

I have been strongly and vigilantly opposed to any physical exertion in the name of exercise alone! 

It shows!  At least I think I can see it?  Anyway, I am not opposed to moving, lifting, carrying, lugging, pushing, pulling....just did that for the past two weeks.  When of course, I did rediscover some muscles and other various spots I have not been aware of for awhile.   I have gone back to laying on the bed to zip up my jeans, because I'm too cheap to buy new clothes that fit. 

So I invested in the Skecher's Shape Ups.  I've been looking at them for about a year.  They went on sale, and I bought them for myself for Christmas.  (don't you just love that little rationalization - being recently unemployed and all!)  Anyway they were $100 on sale. 

They are comfortable, take the pressure off the low back for sure.  They make you stand up straighter and improve your posture, and if you are walking in them correctly you can feel your leg muscles working along the calf and the back of the leg. 

The magic I haven't figured out yet about the shoes, is exactly how it's going to give me that great butt lift, and work out my abdominal muscles, and erase all cellulite I have no idea.  But that's what the shoe boasts it can do.  I figured since I'd be moving around a campus in the mornings maybe I could just kill 2 birds with a big ass stone!

So I've been walking around as much as possible over the past 2 days, and I don't feel one sore muscle aroudn my abdomen.  But I certainly feel every muscle in my right leg.  My left leg doesn't seem to feel as tight as my right.  Nor does it feel as tired, interesting huh?  I do like rocking back and forth on the shoes when I'm supposed to be standing still.  That seems to give a full leg workout, without deliberately exercising, thus staying within my strong and vigilant commitment to not exerting any physical energy, on purpose, in the name of exercise.

It's weird not going to work as usual.  I must admit.  I did have to stop by today to drop off keys and my parking permit.  I felt so disassociated from the environment.  And I just wasn't present.  I felt a little outside my own body, and I really couldn't wait to leave. Because of the apathy that developed within me before leaving, I really think I started disconnecting well over a year ago. 

What's so hard to say really, is what really sunk me to the place of apathy.  While chasing after my daughter for the past 2 years and obtaining and maintaining my own sobriety has been significant work.  When you see your child heading into life and death consequences literally, it really gets your attention.

It has brought me back to a place of choices.  How do I choose to live now?  How do I impart my knowledge and experience?  What is really important to me?  Who is really important to me?  What do I want my life to look like?  And how the hell do I get there?

I'm either blessed, or an incredibly slow learner in comparison to my peers.  I choose to believe I'm blessed. 
I almost lost my soul, and I was on the verge of losing my daughter.  I sorta have answers, my answers to the questions above, with the exception of the last one.  How the hell do I get there?   First of all, I don't know that the answers I have and the plan I have are foolproof.  Secondly, I really don't know what God is thinking about.  And I use the word God, because it's the name that is used widely.  It's not from a religious angle  or anything.  It is more a due and honorable deference to something that is far greater and smarter than I am.  Since I don't get to see the whole picture, I'm not sure at all times that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  But for now I have no other indications that I'm incorrect.

That's the beauty of life I reckon'.  I have reinvented myself numerous times that I am not afraid if I have to do it a few more times.  You ever wonder how many alternate outcomes must come into play with the universe?   If Karen picks to do A, then B will result.  But if she picks to C, then all hells gonna break loose.

I can't always discern what is coming.  Again, the mystery of life, not being able to see the whole picture, or all the alternate outcomes.  So I have to believe that things happen the way they do for a reason.

Good night.

Old Friends At Long Lost

I've been on a mission over the past several months.  I've left a wake of people from my past in my travels and so called travails in life.  I have a Facebook page up and running, I went back to at least 3 of my highschools to try and reconnect, and I've been successful at finding some people.  It's been quite fun.  I even set my dad up with a Facebook page over the holiday so he might have a chance to stay in touch with my sister, nieces and nephew currently living in Norway.  It's a fun way to reach out, but can be disappointing too.  What happens if your friend request is ignored. 

No more writing letters, no more picking up the phone and making a phone call.  No going out of your way to visit once in a while.

This strikes me because my dad, 72, in most ways could be less interested in computers and the internet.  Not the way our generation and our kids especially feel about them.  We think computers enhance our lives, and make it more convenient.  This is true, they do  ......   But it's far to easy to isolate with your computer and perform many, many tasks.  So at the end of the day, you can say I've been productive today, got a lot done. 

My dad on the other hand, literally like to reach out and touch someone.  I was in awe watching him as he called old friends from his childhood, and family members.  My dad lives in No. CA.  He came to spend some time with me at Christmas.  He was worried about me, even though he wouldn't admit as much.  In the beginning of December we had a freeze, my water pipes froze in my rental - then they thawed - then the house flooded and I had to move on an emergent basis.  At the same time I was winding down my last days of work, and drawing to a close a relationship.   My dad was afraid that I was destitute and depressed.  Had I not been so busy, the depressed part might have been accurate.  May I suggest a move when breaking up.

If you're too busy packing, moving, unpacking, and preparing for house company, and you haven't even started Xmas shopping yet.  This is a good time to break up.  Way to much to do to get self absorbed and over analyze anything.  Anyway, my dad at 72 (a bad back, a bad hip, completely overweight and unhealthy,) got in his pickup truck and drove to Washington for Christmas.

I guess I'm really lazy about staying in touch, I haven't spent any time with my dad in about 4 years.  He hasn't seen his grandchildren in that same space and time.  My son was surprised that he had another grandfather.  OH MY GOD!!!  I was stunned, but when I reflected, I realized, I don't keep in touch.  My family has always been spread out, not particularly close knit, and on quite a few occasions stop speaking to one another altogether.  On the other hand, it seems not so surprising that my son wouldn't make the connection that my dad is his grandfather. 

Anyway, my dad babysat me for 3 days thru Christmas.  He called my grandmother soon to be 100, my aunt and uncle, two old friends, my other uncle, and his wife.  On the way to my house, he stopped off in a town called Vader and sat at the coffee shop and gossiped all day I guess.  On the way back, he stopped again and spent the whole day. 

The point of all of this.  You have to take the time to make time.  It's a little bit easier being retired and no kids I guess.  But it begs the question, what did we do before our computers and email?  We had to pick up the phone to call.  We sent at least an occasional letter or card.  We made it a point to return home once and a while and visit people. 

Ok so in all of this, I have a step-brother and sister-in-law who lives along the corridor of my dads travels.  He didn't call and he didn't visit.  On Facebook, my sister-in-law writes an almost hostile message about how she HATES and TRULY DESPISES.  (Yes she wrote in all caps to make it a point that all would know she was pissed).  UGGH.  The rest of the sentence goes on about family who comes to town and doesn't even stop in for a visit much less call while in town.  I ask, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Do you respond to this?  Do you ignore it?  Wouldn't the grown up thing be to address it head - on?  Here are my concerns, she can be a little moody and hard to read.  If I respond I run the risk of pissing her off even more, and having another we aren't going to talk to anyone in the family deals.  If I ignore it, she might feel even more insulted that I don't say anything.  Does she really care about my dad being in town and not visiting?  Does she really want to know he was on a mission of mercy to babysit me, not wanting me to spend christmas alone (even though I wasn't really alone - that's how he felt about it).  Would she listen while I explained this to her, and how he really couldn't get around very well.  He could have called, he called all the others I guess.  Adressing it head on might come across as agressive and defensive.  So what do you do?

It seems the bottom line is, she's pissed, she intends to be pissed because she chose that.  She made a over generalization about a situation to which she knew nothing, and decided to publish her judgement and disapproval without thought to a universe of people, her friends and my friends.  However, the reality is that the remark appears to be a very random and hostile remark  very unclear who it is directed towards. I think there are only 3 people who know, me, her and my step-brother.  Otherwise the words fall upon bored readers eye's and no one really cares.

Facebook I've discovered is a wildly self-indulgent, self-absorbed, self-promoting propaganda machine for individuals.  Not like blogging isn't, I'v made the connection.  The difference is, the blog is for "me" and no one is forced to read it.  Facebook, you force your thoughts, ideas, daily habits upon people, as if everyone you know really wants to know every thought you have.  To the extreme you get an email message that tells you to go read the new communication. 

I'm as selfish as the next person, but I'm certain that many people are not interested in  my thoughts on a daily basis, or hourly basis.  OMG - I so don't really pay attention to the emails I get from others.  I really don't care if someone just got done washing their dishes, you know?  Or if they spent too much money, or ate too much food - eeek, spare me, please. 

Again the point, like so many other things we have stopped making the time for our relationships.  How about if my sister-in-law had called my dad, and chided him for not calling or visiting?  He a joker, he could deal with it.  She would have a completely different result!  Her feelings wouldn't be hurt, then she wouldn't have gotten angry and she probably wouldn't have such hostile comments to make. 

My father in his defense, feels guilty for all the years that have gone missing between me and him, so he kept his time within a small circle of family, and he was hurting physically, he slept a lot from the pain medication I gave him and he's depressed. 

He has lost one older brother, lost numerous life long friends to cancer, and various other fates, his only other older brother has very seriously failing health, and his mother is about to turn 100 in February 2010.  He is lonely and his friends are dropping one by one.  My sister refuses to talk to him.  He is scared, he is sad, he is lonely.  I let him be as he needed to be while he was visiting.  And he got to watch his youngest grandchild open Christmas presents.  It was calm and quiet.

My dad was never perfect, in fact he is pretty far from it.  (Guess what, we all are far from perfect).  He earned a few rejections by my sister and myself over the years.  Not the recent one's.  It boils down to one thing only, in the beginning he's my dad and in the end he's my dad.  I've only got the one.  I wish my sister could forgive and know that she was not rejected and her son was not rejected. 

I don't presume to preach at all or pretend to have any real answers for anyone but myself.   Forgiveness is a powerful gift that we are given and it's free.  Doesn't cost us any pride or dignity.  It's as simple to utilize just by a single thought.  It is "acceptance."  I don't presume to preach that acceptance is truly that easy.  It's not, it took me 43 years to come to acceptance of many, many things.  I'm on year 44 and still have a long way to go in that department.   But I've learned to break things down to their simplest form in order to find the truth for my life.   I was issued one family by birth.  They are my family, good and bad, and all the in-between stuff.   I love them, they are part of what shapes me as a person, both good and bad.  I was given life and shared a great deal of it with them directly.  They deserve my effort and attention.

My dad is an old friend of mine.  I just reconnected with him again.  With the glasses of forgiveness, I see him more clearly as a human being now.  Of course my eyes can see better because they are both open now, and I don't have to close one so my vision isn't blurry (a little alcoholic humor!).  He is aged; he is mortal; I am sad for him. 

Welcome to Everything 40 Plus!

I decided to start this blog, as I am re-entering college for the 4th time in my life.

I am 44 and currently unemployed. I chose to be unemployed, (in this economy?) yes I chose to be. Slightly daft, but nonetheless it is my path now. Too late, no turning back.

I have been working in Oncology from behind the scenes for the past 8-9 years. Weirdly odd because I am a cancer survivor too. I initially took the job as a temp, thinking why would I want to reopen that pandora's box and even deal with my past cancer experience. What I didn't know was that my past cancer history is what makes me good at what I do. What did I do?

Good question, most times it seemed like I did absolutely nothing by the end of my most recent job. Originally however, I guided people through the medical system with setting up their tests and scans, thru their next set of specialists, clinical trial hunting and so on and so forth. I was their GPS so to speak. I obtained a million dollar education through 2 specialists I worked with directly, and countless others.  I started a non-profit organization during that time, which was wildly well received in a small niche of people, and subsequently taken over by others as it had become a full-time endeavor to which I could not devote myself.  A girl does have to earn a living after all.  But probably one of my greatest career accomplishments in the past 20 some years.

I brought encouragement, support, understanding, patience, love and care to an otherwise very uncaring circumstance, where one can easily feel more like a number or a diagnosis than a human being. I have helped many I know. And it's the most wonderful, glorious feeling to have that impact on someone elses' life/lives for strictly their betterment.  Not something one desires necessarily to be compensated for, thank you is always enough, and often too much. 

On my personal life note, I have spent most of my life feeling like a tourist in life and merely surviving. I have always felt outside the circle of reality, and never quite my own person. Now I have deliberately chosen to do a full clean sweep and chase after some of my own dreams.

One, being the only college graduate in my family is huge for me. Two, following my passions which happen to involve some very altruistic beliefs. And finally, being the director of my own show as it were.

Too much of my life I have spent wondering why my whole life seemed to just hurt a lot, and living from one crisis to the next, and believing I was merely a tragedy or a victim.

Turning 40, and then some now, has reawakened my heart and my passions. I am no longer a victim of circumstance, my life is not merely a coexistence of tragedy and living from one crisis to the next. I have something to offer and I have a need to give.

So I thought I'd blog my way thru college, self discovery and recovery.

Two years ago, I realized I had a drinking problem, and that was the beginning of change and all things better to come my way. I have stayed sober, and attended AA regularly, and have found out that I am truly a loveable and worthwhile individual. Something I always secretly suspected, but couldn't quite grasp.

I have two children, one 16 and whom I've I have also nutured over the past 2 years from her own substance abuse problem. Doing quite well now, and on her way to better things. I also have a son who is 9 and largely entrapped with Xbox and various other trappings. He is virtually healthy of mind and body, and seemingly doing well. Time will tell soon how this will truly be.

I have received complaints about the Xbox lifestyle, but it is what it is. This is where we are as a whole. Not a reflection of my life or parenting, just is what it is. It is the age of the computer and the virtual world. This cannot be undone, we are here.

I start my classes on January 4. I'll be taking an Italian class and a philosophy class, and hopefully a math class. Why Italian, I've always wanted to learn the language of love. Philosophy, I want to open my mind, and math is required (not my favorite, but probably the hardest for me). All areas are required studies which is fun, because I'm taking what I want to learn and it fits with my overall dream and goals. Which to some extent remain undefined and open-ended.

The cool thing about 40 is you can remain open - ended and flexible without concern. Yet you can be decisive and clear about what has to change at the same time. I know what I won't tolerate and put up with in life. Makes no sense you say.

Well I just ended a relationship because I'm smart enough now to know better. At this age, we are either actively involved with our own self improvement or we are not. I won't invest time and energy into someone who is not willing to grow and learn still.

I ended a job that left me miserable and full of disdain and caused me to become despondent and apathetic.

I am starting a new path that I believe I want to be on, and I want to make the world a better place. Making the world a better place is what I was born to do. How I was supposed to do it, eluded me for decades. But I've had many attempts at doing so, and have learned a great deal. The most important thing I learned, was that I could only change the world one life at a time. I'm no Bill Gates or Bono, so I must accept my initial limitations and push forward with education and action.