Oh Where Oh Where Did My Body Go?

I am stunned at how every muscle of your body seems to just take a flying dive right towards the center of gravity, right as the whistle blows at 40.  In fact, within 6 weeks of turning 40, having near perfect vision my whole life, I could no longer read a single word in print.

4 years later, I now have to where reading glasses for the computer screen, which has been a big change this past year.  I don't like it.  It's weird!  Literal and obnoxious transformation over night.

Oh and the really keen part is being menopausal at 44.  My mom was under 50 when she started menopause, and well the genes for early menopause and the chemotherapy back at 24, seemed to have helped expedite matters.  So I've been pre-menopause for the past 2 years, sorta knew, but sorta chose not to know it at the same time. 

I'm not really going to write about menopause.  Back to the body deteriorating in general........

I have been strongly and vigilantly opposed to any physical exertion in the name of exercise alone! 

It shows!  At least I think I can see it?  Anyway, I am not opposed to moving, lifting, carrying, lugging, pushing, pulling....just did that for the past two weeks.  When of course, I did rediscover some muscles and other various spots I have not been aware of for awhile.   I have gone back to laying on the bed to zip up my jeans, because I'm too cheap to buy new clothes that fit. 

So I invested in the Skecher's Shape Ups.  I've been looking at them for about a year.  They went on sale, and I bought them for myself for Christmas.  (don't you just love that little rationalization - being recently unemployed and all!)  Anyway they were $100 on sale. 

They are comfortable, take the pressure off the low back for sure.  They make you stand up straighter and improve your posture, and if you are walking in them correctly you can feel your leg muscles working along the calf and the back of the leg. 

The magic I haven't figured out yet about the shoes, is exactly how it's going to give me that great butt lift, and work out my abdominal muscles, and erase all cellulite I have no idea.  But that's what the shoe boasts it can do.  I figured since I'd be moving around a campus in the mornings maybe I could just kill 2 birds with a big ass stone!

So I've been walking around as much as possible over the past 2 days, and I don't feel one sore muscle aroudn my abdomen.  But I certainly feel every muscle in my right leg.  My left leg doesn't seem to feel as tight as my right.  Nor does it feel as tired, interesting huh?  I do like rocking back and forth on the shoes when I'm supposed to be standing still.  That seems to give a full leg workout, without deliberately exercising, thus staying within my strong and vigilant commitment to not exerting any physical energy, on purpose, in the name of exercise.

It's weird not going to work as usual.  I must admit.  I did have to stop by today to drop off keys and my parking permit.  I felt so disassociated from the environment.  And I just wasn't present.  I felt a little outside my own body, and I really couldn't wait to leave. Because of the apathy that developed within me before leaving, I really think I started disconnecting well over a year ago. 

What's so hard to say really, is what really sunk me to the place of apathy.  While chasing after my daughter for the past 2 years and obtaining and maintaining my own sobriety has been significant work.  When you see your child heading into life and death consequences literally, it really gets your attention.

It has brought me back to a place of choices.  How do I choose to live now?  How do I impart my knowledge and experience?  What is really important to me?  Who is really important to me?  What do I want my life to look like?  And how the hell do I get there?

I'm either blessed, or an incredibly slow learner in comparison to my peers.  I choose to believe I'm blessed. 
I almost lost my soul, and I was on the verge of losing my daughter.  I sorta have answers, my answers to the questions above, with the exception of the last one.  How the hell do I get there?   First of all, I don't know that the answers I have and the plan I have are foolproof.  Secondly, I really don't know what God is thinking about.  And I use the word God, because it's the name that is used widely.  It's not from a religious angle  or anything.  It is more a due and honorable deference to something that is far greater and smarter than I am.  Since I don't get to see the whole picture, I'm not sure at all times that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  But for now I have no other indications that I'm incorrect.

That's the beauty of life I reckon'.  I have reinvented myself numerous times that I am not afraid if I have to do it a few more times.  You ever wonder how many alternate outcomes must come into play with the universe?   If Karen picks to do A, then B will result.  But if she picks to C, then all hells gonna break loose.

I can't always discern what is coming.  Again, the mystery of life, not being able to see the whole picture, or all the alternate outcomes.  So I have to believe that things happen the way they do for a reason.

Good night.