Old Friends At Long Lost

I've been on a mission over the past several months.  I've left a wake of people from my past in my travels and so called travails in life.  I have a Facebook page up and running, I went back to at least 3 of my highschools to try and reconnect, and I've been successful at finding some people.  It's been quite fun.  I even set my dad up with a Facebook page over the holiday so he might have a chance to stay in touch with my sister, nieces and nephew currently living in Norway.  It's a fun way to reach out, but can be disappointing too.  What happens if your friend request is ignored. 

No more writing letters, no more picking up the phone and making a phone call.  No going out of your way to visit once in a while.

This strikes me because my dad, 72, in most ways could be less interested in computers and the internet.  Not the way our generation and our kids especially feel about them.  We think computers enhance our lives, and make it more convenient.  This is true, they do  ......   But it's far to easy to isolate with your computer and perform many, many tasks.  So at the end of the day, you can say I've been productive today, got a lot done. 

My dad on the other hand, literally like to reach out and touch someone.  I was in awe watching him as he called old friends from his childhood, and family members.  My dad lives in No. CA.  He came to spend some time with me at Christmas.  He was worried about me, even though he wouldn't admit as much.  In the beginning of December we had a freeze, my water pipes froze in my rental - then they thawed - then the house flooded and I had to move on an emergent basis.  At the same time I was winding down my last days of work, and drawing to a close a relationship.   My dad was afraid that I was destitute and depressed.  Had I not been so busy, the depressed part might have been accurate.  May I suggest a move when breaking up.

If you're too busy packing, moving, unpacking, and preparing for house company, and you haven't even started Xmas shopping yet.  This is a good time to break up.  Way to much to do to get self absorbed and over analyze anything.  Anyway, my dad at 72 (a bad back, a bad hip, completely overweight and unhealthy,) got in his pickup truck and drove to Washington for Christmas.

I guess I'm really lazy about staying in touch, I haven't spent any time with my dad in about 4 years.  He hasn't seen his grandchildren in that same space and time.  My son was surprised that he had another grandfather.  OH MY GOD!!!  I was stunned, but when I reflected, I realized, I don't keep in touch.  My family has always been spread out, not particularly close knit, and on quite a few occasions stop speaking to one another altogether.  On the other hand, it seems not so surprising that my son wouldn't make the connection that my dad is his grandfather. 

Anyway, my dad babysat me for 3 days thru Christmas.  He called my grandmother soon to be 100, my aunt and uncle, two old friends, my other uncle, and his wife.  On the way to my house, he stopped off in a town called Vader and sat at the coffee shop and gossiped all day I guess.  On the way back, he stopped again and spent the whole day. 

The point of all of this.  You have to take the time to make time.  It's a little bit easier being retired and no kids I guess.  But it begs the question, what did we do before our computers and email?  We had to pick up the phone to call.  We sent at least an occasional letter or card.  We made it a point to return home once and a while and visit people. 

Ok so in all of this, I have a step-brother and sister-in-law who lives along the corridor of my dads travels.  He didn't call and he didn't visit.  On Facebook, my sister-in-law writes an almost hostile message about how she HATES and TRULY DESPISES.  (Yes she wrote in all caps to make it a point that all would know she was pissed).  UGGH.  The rest of the sentence goes on about family who comes to town and doesn't even stop in for a visit much less call while in town.  I ask, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Do you respond to this?  Do you ignore it?  Wouldn't the grown up thing be to address it head - on?  Here are my concerns, she can be a little moody and hard to read.  If I respond I run the risk of pissing her off even more, and having another we aren't going to talk to anyone in the family deals.  If I ignore it, she might feel even more insulted that I don't say anything.  Does she really care about my dad being in town and not visiting?  Does she really want to know he was on a mission of mercy to babysit me, not wanting me to spend christmas alone (even though I wasn't really alone - that's how he felt about it).  Would she listen while I explained this to her, and how he really couldn't get around very well.  He could have called, he called all the others I guess.  Adressing it head on might come across as agressive and defensive.  So what do you do?

It seems the bottom line is, she's pissed, she intends to be pissed because she chose that.  She made a over generalization about a situation to which she knew nothing, and decided to publish her judgement and disapproval without thought to a universe of people, her friends and my friends.  However, the reality is that the remark appears to be a very random and hostile remark  very unclear who it is directed towards. I think there are only 3 people who know, me, her and my step-brother.  Otherwise the words fall upon bored readers eye's and no one really cares.

Facebook I've discovered is a wildly self-indulgent, self-absorbed, self-promoting propaganda machine for individuals.  Not like blogging isn't, I'v made the connection.  The difference is, the blog is for "me" and no one is forced to read it.  Facebook, you force your thoughts, ideas, daily habits upon people, as if everyone you know really wants to know every thought you have.  To the extreme you get an email message that tells you to go read the new communication. 

I'm as selfish as the next person, but I'm certain that many people are not interested in  my thoughts on a daily basis, or hourly basis.  OMG - I so don't really pay attention to the emails I get from others.  I really don't care if someone just got done washing their dishes, you know?  Or if they spent too much money, or ate too much food - eeek, spare me, please. 

Again the point, like so many other things we have stopped making the time for our relationships.  How about if my sister-in-law had called my dad, and chided him for not calling or visiting?  He a joker, he could deal with it.  She would have a completely different result!  Her feelings wouldn't be hurt, then she wouldn't have gotten angry and she probably wouldn't have such hostile comments to make. 

My father in his defense, feels guilty for all the years that have gone missing between me and him, so he kept his time within a small circle of family, and he was hurting physically, he slept a lot from the pain medication I gave him and he's depressed. 

He has lost one older brother, lost numerous life long friends to cancer, and various other fates, his only other older brother has very seriously failing health, and his mother is about to turn 100 in February 2010.  He is lonely and his friends are dropping one by one.  My sister refuses to talk to him.  He is scared, he is sad, he is lonely.  I let him be as he needed to be while he was visiting.  And he got to watch his youngest grandchild open Christmas presents.  It was calm and quiet.

My dad was never perfect, in fact he is pretty far from it.  (Guess what, we all are far from perfect).  He earned a few rejections by my sister and myself over the years.  Not the recent one's.  It boils down to one thing only, in the beginning he's my dad and in the end he's my dad.  I've only got the one.  I wish my sister could forgive and know that she was not rejected and her son was not rejected. 

I don't presume to preach at all or pretend to have any real answers for anyone but myself.   Forgiveness is a powerful gift that we are given and it's free.  Doesn't cost us any pride or dignity.  It's as simple to utilize just by a single thought.  It is "acceptance."  I don't presume to preach that acceptance is truly that easy.  It's not, it took me 43 years to come to acceptance of many, many things.  I'm on year 44 and still have a long way to go in that department.   But I've learned to break things down to their simplest form in order to find the truth for my life.   I was issued one family by birth.  They are my family, good and bad, and all the in-between stuff.   I love them, they are part of what shapes me as a person, both good and bad.  I was given life and shared a great deal of it with them directly.  They deserve my effort and attention.

My dad is an old friend of mine.  I just reconnected with him again.  With the glasses of forgiveness, I see him more clearly as a human being now.  Of course my eyes can see better because they are both open now, and I don't have to close one so my vision isn't blurry (a little alcoholic humor!).  He is aged; he is mortal; I am sad for him.