Welcome to Everything 40 Plus!

I decided to start this blog, as I am re-entering college for the 4th time in my life.

I am 44 and currently unemployed. I chose to be unemployed, (in this economy?) yes I chose to be. Slightly daft, but nonetheless it is my path now. Too late, no turning back.

I have been working in Oncology from behind the scenes for the past 8-9 years. Weirdly odd because I am a cancer survivor too. I initially took the job as a temp, thinking why would I want to reopen that pandora's box and even deal with my past cancer experience. What I didn't know was that my past cancer history is what makes me good at what I do. What did I do?

Good question, most times it seemed like I did absolutely nothing by the end of my most recent job. Originally however, I guided people through the medical system with setting up their tests and scans, thru their next set of specialists, clinical trial hunting and so on and so forth. I was their GPS so to speak. I obtained a million dollar education through 2 specialists I worked with directly, and countless others.  I started a non-profit organization during that time, which was wildly well received in a small niche of people, and subsequently taken over by others as it had become a full-time endeavor to which I could not devote myself.  A girl does have to earn a living after all.  But probably one of my greatest career accomplishments in the past 20 some years.

I brought encouragement, support, understanding, patience, love and care to an otherwise very uncaring circumstance, where one can easily feel more like a number or a diagnosis than a human being. I have helped many I know. And it's the most wonderful, glorious feeling to have that impact on someone elses' life/lives for strictly their betterment.  Not something one desires necessarily to be compensated for, thank you is always enough, and often too much. 

On my personal life note, I have spent most of my life feeling like a tourist in life and merely surviving. I have always felt outside the circle of reality, and never quite my own person. Now I have deliberately chosen to do a full clean sweep and chase after some of my own dreams.

One, being the only college graduate in my family is huge for me. Two, following my passions which happen to involve some very altruistic beliefs. And finally, being the director of my own show as it were.

Too much of my life I have spent wondering why my whole life seemed to just hurt a lot, and living from one crisis to the next, and believing I was merely a tragedy or a victim.

Turning 40, and then some now, has reawakened my heart and my passions. I am no longer a victim of circumstance, my life is not merely a coexistence of tragedy and living from one crisis to the next. I have something to offer and I have a need to give.

So I thought I'd blog my way thru college, self discovery and recovery.

Two years ago, I realized I had a drinking problem, and that was the beginning of change and all things better to come my way. I have stayed sober, and attended AA regularly, and have found out that I am truly a loveable and worthwhile individual. Something I always secretly suspected, but couldn't quite grasp.

I have two children, one 16 and whom I've I have also nutured over the past 2 years from her own substance abuse problem. Doing quite well now, and on her way to better things. I also have a son who is 9 and largely entrapped with Xbox and various other trappings. He is virtually healthy of mind and body, and seemingly doing well. Time will tell soon how this will truly be.

I have received complaints about the Xbox lifestyle, but it is what it is. This is where we are as a whole. Not a reflection of my life or parenting, just is what it is. It is the age of the computer and the virtual world. This cannot be undone, we are here.

I start my classes on January 4. I'll be taking an Italian class and a philosophy class, and hopefully a math class. Why Italian, I've always wanted to learn the language of love. Philosophy, I want to open my mind, and math is required (not my favorite, but probably the hardest for me). All areas are required studies which is fun, because I'm taking what I want to learn and it fits with my overall dream and goals. Which to some extent remain undefined and open-ended.

The cool thing about 40 is you can remain open - ended and flexible without concern. Yet you can be decisive and clear about what has to change at the same time. I know what I won't tolerate and put up with in life. Makes no sense you say.

Well I just ended a relationship because I'm smart enough now to know better. At this age, we are either actively involved with our own self improvement or we are not. I won't invest time and energy into someone who is not willing to grow and learn still.

I ended a job that left me miserable and full of disdain and caused me to become despondent and apathetic.

I am starting a new path that I believe I want to be on, and I want to make the world a better place. Making the world a better place is what I was born to do. How I was supposed to do it, eluded me for decades. But I've had many attempts at doing so, and have learned a great deal. The most important thing I learned, was that I could only change the world one life at a time. I'm no Bill Gates or Bono, so I must accept my initial limitations and push forward with education and action.